It's Raining Men
by PerfectPrefect
Summary: In the spirit of "Bridget Jones's Diary", here is the humourus 'chick fic' about Penelope Clearwater's mishaps with the popular Oliver Wood and the straight-laced Percy Weasley. R/R.
1. The Diary of Penny

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, or the basic plot which come from "Bridget Jones's Diary" which is based off "Pride and Prejudice"  
  
  
  
  
  
1 September, 1991-  
  
Weight: 123 lbs Cigarettes: 15 before the Hogwarts Express take off  
  
Noon: So here it is, the Diary of I, Penelope Elaina-Marie Clearwater, new Prefect of the Ravenclaw house. Every year starts the same - - I have girlish dreams of how glorious the new school year will be, like those corny teen movies you see in the Muggle world where somehow the little goody-good school girl falls in love with some amazing 'Big Man on Campus'. However, in all truth I end up with fuckwits, flunkies, alcoholics, or what not. But this year I have decided to be productive and start a diary and thus avoid or choose to recognise the signs that I am either falling for a man who embodies all of those vices.  
  
3 pm: Oliver Wood. How can I start to explain him? An all-American Scottish boy with a "Big Man on Campus" stride which makes a simple girl such as I go weak in the knees. He is such a tantalising specimen of a male, that he makes your mouth water - - such men should not be allowed with in a mile radius of girls such as myself, who they apparently have no interest whatsoever in. I, however, manage to only find a way to attract the attention of boring, emotionless, egotistical wankers by the name of Percy Weasley. Or at least my mates would fancy me dating such a lad. I do not see why. But that is the way it goes when you are a Singleton; all of your coupled friends think they are doing you a favour by trying to get you interested in the most apparently singe man on campus. It is said that Percy is freshly out of a relationship with some girl who just decided over the summer to transfer schools to Cambridge School for Young Witches. No wonder, seeing how Percy reacts on always being a rule Nazi, as I have seen him do so in lessons, I would have never started dating him to begin with.  
  
-Penelope Clearwater 


	2. Miniskirts and Classroom Flirts

September 1991-  
  
Weight: 125 lbs (auugh!!!!)  
  
Cigarettes: 7 (for I must hide in the Prefect's bathroom to smoke)  
  
I was sitting in Herbology today when I was passed my daily distressing note from my best mate, Angelina Johnson, regarding her fuckwit boyfriend, Roger Davies. I honestly thought she would have broken-up with that wanker over the summer, but somehow codependency and Angelina seem to walk hand-in-hand. Every time she speaks of Roger, she manages to throw in the question, "Do you think I'm codependent, Penny?" To which I answer: "No. Of course not. You do need to find a better man, though.". But who am I to be talking when I am the utterly most single female in my year? Rather pathetic, it is. Needless to say, I somehow managed to drop a note which read 'There are many better men out there.".Only to have it picked up by one Oliver Wood.  
  
" Better than whom?" he wrote back.  
  
"Oh. I was merely saying that she ought not to be such a huge fan of Viktor Krum when there are so many better Quidditch players out there, such as Peter Freeburg." I replied, hoping to impress him by my *knowledge* of Quidditch.  
  
"You mean the same Peter Freeburg who died in 1987?"  
  
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
9 September 1991-  
  
Weight: 126 lbs Cigarettes: 4  
  
Kill me. Kill me now please. Today was the day dreaded by all Singletons: The Welcome Back dance for the Upper School. I did not wish to go and be surrounded by all the happy-go-lucky dancing couples whilst I stood against the refreshment table, trying to make myself look busy in drowning away my sorrows in non-spiked punch. However, I did end up going and doing as mentioned for the first hour of the event. It should be mentioned that Oliver was dancing the night away with some tall blonde from Slytherin. The only other person who was standing alone was Percy (go figure). I spent that first hour trying to avoid eye-contact with him, for although he is rather handsome he possesses the personality of a wet sock. Thinking him boring is one thing - - boring is tolerable - - but asshole is not. It was just tonight in which Percy Weasley became an asshole, and here is how: I was standing in the corner pretending to be preoccupied by the refreshments, when I noticed Percy's brother, Fred, walk over to him and start talking. The dialogue went as follows:  
  
Fred: Percy, why aren't you dancing?  
  
Percy: I haven't anyone who I wish to be dancing with.  
  
Fred: What about that Penelope Clearwater girl?  
  
Percy: Penelope? Why would I wish to dance with Penelope? The last thing that I need is some spinster of a Ravenclaw who drinks too much, smokes like a Muggle steam-engine, and loiters around the refreshment table at a school dance!  
  
..And that was it. That very moment has made me decided that I will NOT go through this year single and unpopular! I will take control of my life and become a brand new Penelope Clearwater!  
  
  
  
10 September 1991-  
  
  
  
Having to do with the promise which I made myself last night, I rolled up my grey pleated uniform skirt to make my legs appear longer as well as unbuttoned the first few clasps of my robes to show off a hint of cleavage. Did I expect to get noticed? Not really, but I just chose to do it to give me a hint of being a schoolgirl bombshell - - or jailbait. Jailbait is the only real look that one can accomplish in a schoolgirl outfit. Either way, into Charms class I went and took a seat at my usual place in the centre of the classroom, best for not getting called on when you'd rather daydream about certain lush lads than listen to Professor Flitwick drone on and on about whatever. Then, as a small break from my routine, I suddenly noticed a splice of parchment drop in front of me, in which read: Penny- You seem to have forgotten your skirt today. Perhaps it is ill or on holiday? -Oliver  
  
Abashed by the rude context of that letter, I quickly took out my quill and scribbled back:  
  
Oliver- My skirt is quite present, thank you very much. Thus, it is not ill nor on holiday. How rude of you to even assume such things! -Penny  
  
  
  
And the reply to that went as follows:  
  
Penny- I know. I was just joshing with you. However, I do think that your tits look rather nice when you wear your robes like that. -Oliver  
  
  
  
GULP! Right.ok. It was just some simple classroom flirting, think nothing of it Penelope. I kept telling myself that and thus found it necessary not to respond to that last note, as I was already starting to imagine our wedding celebration in which when it was time to start the toast Oliver was telling the wedding party how our entire relationship all started off with a little classroom note passing. I don't know.should I read into this? Ah well, daydreams are fun.  
  
Love, The Future Mrs. Penelope Wood 


End file.
